BEULAH BIJOUX TO HARRISON KARN: “IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY TO ME SAY IT I DONT’ WANT NO RATFINK LAWYERS INTERCEDING IN OUR BUSINESS”

— On Wed, 11/4/09, FirstBank Info <firstbanknig@zoho.com> wrote:

From: FirstBank Info <firstbanknig@zoho.com>
Subject: The details of the Attorney
To: beulahbijoux@yahoo.com
Date: Wednesday, November 4, 2009, 6:13 AM

FIRST BANK OF NIGERIA PLC

Truly the first

Corporate Headquarters:

HEAD OFFICE: SAMUEL ASABIA HOUSE,

No. 35 MARINA LAGOS

Direct Tel: +234-80559-11132, FAX: +234-70684-49701

Our Ref: FBNP/X-XI/2009

Date: 04/11/2009

Attention: Beulah Bijoux,

Based on the picture you painted and irrespective of my resolved to help you, I do not think that we can handle the situation over here. So I suggest you make use of an attorney to do the signing for you. Please, contact the attorney whose details are stated below:-

Name: Barrister Charles Eke (SAN)

Name of the legal firm: Eligwe Chambers

Address: No. 23 Collins Avenue , Victoria Island , Lagos Nigeria

Telephone No: +234- 8027519939

Email: eligwechambers@gmx.de or eligwechambers@lawyer.com

He is a very good and dedicated lawyer, he is also God fearing. I know that he can make the difference for you. Do remember that you are not to pay for his legal fees until you confirm your payment with your bankers.

However, shall provide for the administrative fees, e.g. the stamp-duty of the Payment Release Order and the Certificate of Payment, as he shall not finance your transaction; attorneys are prohibited by law against it.

Instruct him to prepare to be in my office between Fridays, 6th of November to Friday, 13^th of November 2009, with your file reference number: FBNP/X-XI/NGV/2009, for the signing of your payment documents.

Thanks, as I expect to hear from you introducing the attorney as your official representative.

Best Regards,

Harrison KARN

Director, Foreign Payment Dept

First Bank of Nigeria PLC

From: Beulah Bijoux <beulahbijoux@yahoo.com>

To: Harrison Karn <firstbanknig@zoho.com>

Date: November 5th, 2009

Subject: Re: The Details of the Attorney”

DEAR MR. NIGERIA, THIS IS BEULAH BIJOUX, NOW I AM A GOOD CHRISTIAN WOMAN AND RARELY TAKE THE LORDS NAME IN VAIN BUT WHAT IN THE CRAP ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT WITH LAWYERS? I THOUGHT YOU WERE BUYING ME A TICKET TO FLY TO NIGERIA, AND I WAS BUSY PACKING MY BAGS AND NOW YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT LAWYERS? I HAVE NOTHING BUT BAD ASSOCIATIONS WITH LAWYERS. LAWYERS ARE THE REASON MY SISTERS EX HUSBAND (WHO ATTEMPTED TO CHOKE HER WITH A TURKEY LEG ONE THANKSGIVING) RUNS FREE IN THE WORLD, AND LAWYERS ARE WHY MY GRANDDADDY LOST HIS ESTATES AND WAS SENT TO AN INSTITUTION WHERE THEY LEFT HIM IN A CORNER DROOLING UNTIL HE DIED A LONELY BROKEN MAN.

I SUPPOSE IT GOES WITHOUT SAYING THAT MY LATE HUSBAND ALSO DID NOT TRUST LAWYERS INFACT HE HAD A JOKE HE TOLD  THAT GOES LIKE THIS–“A LAWYER, A MONKEY, AND SANTA CLAUS WERE IN HEAVEN WAITING AT THE PEARLY GATES. GOD LOOKED AT THE MONKEY AND SAID YOU WERE NICE, YOU NEVER BIT NOBODY, NOW GO TO HEAVEN.”  HE LOOKED AT SANTA AND SAID “YOU WERE NICE, YOU NEVER DIDDLED NO KIDS AND YOU STAYED FAITHFUL TO YOUR WIFE, NOW GO TO HEAVEN.” HE LOOKED AT THE  LAWYER, AND SAID “YOU TOOK A WRONG TURN BUDDY, GO CHECK YOUR MAP.”

IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY TO ME, THEN SAY IT TO ME, I DO NOT WANT NO RATFINK LAWYERS INTERCEDING IN OUR BUSINESS AFFAIRS. YOU SEEM LIKE A GOOD MAN AND I WONDER WHY YOU WOULD AGREE TO LET CORRUPT LAYWERS HANDLE YOUR BUSINESS.

SPECIFICALLY YOURS,
BEULAH BIJOUX

I FOUND IT IN MY HOPE CHEST

Michael Graham Will Not be Ignored

My Response to Michael is in Blue

— On Wed, 2/25/09, Michael Graham <michael@telefonica.net> wrote:

> From: Michael Graham <michael@telefonica.net>
> Subject: Last and final notice!!
> To: michaelgham@rediffmail.com
> Date: Wednesday, February 25, 2009, 4:44 AM
> Attention,
>
> I will like to start with reminding you that your unclaimed
> inheritance is still lurking around, up till now I am amazed
> at the way you have ignored all the notice I have sent out
> to you. This message will be the last notice that I will be
> sending out to you.
>
> Upon the receipt of this mail I will want you to reconfirm
> to me your details and also tell me the reason why you have
> kept quiet all the while; I do believe you should have a
> logical answer to that. I also will like for you to know
> that I have some new developments on ground which I believe
> will be good news to you.
>
> I will advice that you do not abandon this message and
> respond as a matter of urgency so that we can get done with
> your claim.
>
> Best regards
>
> Michael Graham
> Associate Solicitor.
> Tel: +447031997793
> Tel: +447024053610
> michaelgraham1(at)rediffmail.com.

———————————————–

From: romablack@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Last and Final Notice!!
Date: Wednesday, February 25th, 2009, 9:54 AM

Michael,

You proclaim amazement at my quietude.

You wonder why I have ignored your emails thus far.

Michael. Do you think it’s because I do not care? Because I wish to let a large inheritance just be re-absorbed by the government or other authorities? Michael, please. We have known eachother for too long to make assumptions on each others character.

I’ll tell you why I’ve been so quiet, Michael. It’s because I have Acute Stage 3 digitaliosis-a rare virus which starts at the outer extremities and moves up the arms, directly into the brain where it will eventually cause me to act out traumas from my past. (already I’ve been having thoughts of masturbating in high school locker room, drowning puppies, etc).

In short, over the last few months I’ve been losing (on average) a finger a week. How am I typing this you ask? Is it a prosthesis, or perhaps even a special typing wand?

I’ll tell you. Two weeks ago, while I lay in bed bitterly lamenting the fact that my inheritance is going unclaimed, a small, clever howler monkey named Gnerv entered my window. It said it would give me one wish if I could answer a riddle.

The answer to the riddle, by the way, is “head cheese.”

And my wish, of course, was to have the monkey type you an email response, post haste!

Unfortunately the wish will wear off after today, and then I will have to go back to watching the black, lichen-like virus creep up my fore-arms.

If you could just please send me a check, I will make sure to put it to good use. I could buy some ointment for my disease-ravaged hands. I could invest the money in the howler monkey earth protection plan. Did you know that howler monkeys are on the endangered species list?

I must go now. I can feel a trauma attack coming on strong and wouldn’t want you to be caught in the crossfire of blood, tic tacs, and semen.

All my best wishes to you and your children,
Roma Black (AND GNERV, THE HOWLER MONKEY GNERV ROCKS!!!)