Arlene Shirlee : Dear Spammer, I Love You

December 8, 2009

Leena Shirlee to Karl Su: Ernest Hemingway had a good quote: “If you want her so badly your teeth itch, go shoot quail.”

Karl emails me every single day with the same message. I literally have 16 of the same email.

From: Karl Su karlsu2007@yahoo.com.hk

To: Leena Shirlee

Date: December 8th, 2009

Subject: BEQUEST

I am Karl Su, Principal Assurance manager for the Huxia Bank in China. I am contacting you in regards to an issue of great importance and an investment placed under our banks management 7 years ago.  I would respectfully request that you keep the contents of this mail confidential and respect the integrity of the information you come by as a result of this mail. I contact you independently and no one is informed of this communication.In 2000, the subject matter; came to our bank to engage in business discussions with our private banking division.

He informed us that he had a financial portfolio of 8.35 million United States dollars, which he wished to have us invest on his behalf. Based on my advice, we spun the money around various opportunities and made attractive margins for our first months of operation, the accrued profit and interest stood at this point at over 10 million United States Dollars. In mid 2002, he instructed that the principal sum (8.35M) be liquidated because he needed to make an urgent investment requiring cash payments in Hong Kong and China. We got in touch with a specialist bank in China, the Guangdong Development Bank (GDB) who agreed to receive this money for a fee and make cash available. However Guangdong Development Bank got in touch with us last year that this money has not been claimed. On further enquiries we found out that the subject matter was involved in an accident in Mainland China, which means he died intestate. He has no next of kin.

What I propose is that since I have exclusive access to his file, you will be made the beneficiary of these funds. My bank will contact you informing you that money has been willed to you. On verification, which will be the details I make available to my bank, my bank will instruct GDB to make payments to you. You do not have to have known him. I know this might be a bit heavy for you but please trust me on this. For all your troubles I propose that we split the money in half. In the banking circle this happens every time. The other option is that the money will revert back to the state. Nobody is getting hurt; this is a lifetime opportunity for us. I hold the KEY to these funds, and as a Chinese National we see so much cash and funds being re-assigned daily. I would want us to keep communication for now strictly by email. Please, again, note I am a family man; I have a wife and children. I send you this mail not without a measure of fear as to the consequences, but I know within me that nothing ventured is

I await your response.
Karl Su


From: Leena Shirlee

To: Karl Su karlsu2007@yahoo.com.hk

Date: December 8, 2009

Subject: RE:  BEQUEST!


Dear Karl,

While your daily messages to me are flattering, no doubt,  you must play a little harder to get if you want to win the heart of a woman  like me. Ernest Hemingway has a good quote “If you want her so badly your teeth itch, go shoot some quail.”  That is to say, desperation is not an attractive trait in any man. Karl, if there’s anything I know about you it’s that you’re very intense. You need to develop other interests and hobbies in your life. Perhaps someone told you persistence will win you the golden vagina award, but I can assure you all it will win you is a lonely trip to one of those adult clubs filled with strippers you think are beautiful until they get closer and you see their pock-mark ravaged faces;  and when they get even closer you realize they are actually your grandfather.

A few pointers from me, for your online dating propositions:

1-Stay positive! All this frowny-pie stuff about people dying in accidents is just bringdown talk. Why not discuss perky fun things such as cute baby animals you’ve seen, favorite ice-cream flavors,  or celebrity gossip?

2-Don’t discuss money right away! I know you think women will be impressed with the size of your wallet, but all they really care about is, do you have a pure seed, and is your penis larger than a goose laid out lengthwise? Keep your financial stuff to yourself at least for a few messages. Don’t hesitate to send her a lab analysis of your seed.

3-Ask her questions about her life! Don’t be Bobby Bore, be a Clancy Curious! Some possible questions would be: What are your erogenous zones? Do you have any allergies to latex? Have you ever been sent to detention for being a bad naughty girl? etc etc.

4-Wait for a few days before sending another message! I know this is hard to do, but you must WAIT to hear back before blasting a lady with messages. If she’s not writing back to you, take a hint and move on.

What are some things you can do to keep yourself from sending those messages when you know you shouldn’t?

1: Shoot quail.
2: Weave a basket.
3: Testicular exams.

I hope this helps you! If you need any more dating tips I am happy to help, but just so you know  I do have a boyfriend whom I am very happy with. (no he’s not into threesomes.)

I’m sending you a picture you can print up, cut out and put it up on your mirror to remind you to STAY COOL!

Best,
Leena

if you want her so badly your teeth hurt, go shoot quail.

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