Arlene Shirlee : Dear Spammer, I Love You

February 7, 2010

Leena Shirlee to Sarah Koko: “The Charleston Clams have gone to state every year since the Great Clam became their mascot.”

Filed under: Leena Shirlee,Uncategorized — ArleneShirlee @ 12:17 am
Tags: , , , , ,

From: Sarah Koko

To: Leena Shirlee

Date: January 4, 2010

Subject: FROM SARAH KOKO I LOOK FORWARD TO HEAR FROM YOU BECAUSE I AM SERIOUS

Dear Friend,

I want to ask you this,can you stand for my help as family friend and clam my let father consignment to your country and finally send me letter of invitation to come and stay with you for my education?  I am living alone,they killed my father and brother,

if you can give me your trust then you has nothing to regret,I am 18 years old girl,I want to be a nurse when i come to your country.   I have gone through your profile and i am interest to be your family friend.the fund that my late fathers consignment containing is 5MU$,and i am his next of king as his only survival daughter in the family.

If possible we can have a joint venture business when the fund comes to your country,or you take 15% of the total sum of the money as your effort doing the proses.update me true my email address (sarah_koko406@hotmail.com) if you are serious to help me,

Your Truly
Sarah  Koko.


From: Leena Shirlee

To: Sarah Koko

Date: January 5th, 2010

Subject: RE: FROM SARAH KOKO I LOOK FORWARD TO HEAR FROM YOU BECAUSE I AM SERIOUS


Hello Sarah,

The family friend and clam you speak of (named “The Great Clam”), goes back many many generations. My great grandfather was a fisherman, and he found the clam underneath an shipwrecked sailboat. Now,back in the late 1800s clams were quite small, usually the size of a childs fist. But this clam was nearly four feet wide! Imagine my great grandfather’s delight in knowing he’d be able to feed his whole family off one single clam for nearly a month. I don’t know if you know what it’s like to go hungry Sarah, but it is a miserable affair. Before the miracle of the Great Clam my great grandmother was forced to make a gruel out of seaweed and asbestos called “Glumworm” which she fed to my grandmother and her siblings. Unfortunately, my grandmother died of a giant lung mushroom approximately three days before the Great Clam was discovered. (And also approximately 29,200 days before I was born.)

Well, at any rate, The Great Clam was such an object of adoration among the townspeople, it soon became the town mascot. Most people would not consider a Clam, which mostly just sits quietly at the bottom of the ocean, an emblem of bravery or determination. I would heartily agree. Clams are boring and add nothing to modern culture. And yet,consider this: The Charleston Clams (Charleston’s high school varsity football team) have gone to state nearly every year since the Great Clam became their mascot. Not too shabby for a dim piece of aquaqtic detrius!

You may be wondering at this point…”Well, how does leena feel about clams now?” Ironically enough, I do have severe shellfish allergies. (rest assured, however, I am fully lesbian). When I see clams around, I try not to make a big deal out of it, you know?  They are just like anyone else BUT  as far as claiming a clam as my personal animal totem, well…call me old fashioned but I’d rather just be myself.

Hope you recover from your cold,
Leena

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October 29, 2009

Leena Shirlee to Support@Volcano.net: “I have officially had what the philosophers call a “Grand Peux De Troit.”

Filed under: Uncategorized — ArleneShirlee @ 10:46 pm

From: Support@volcano.net
To: Leena Shirlee
Date: October 28th, 2009
Subject: You are the sunlight that brightens up my day.

Choose blue caplets as your unversal and strong solution against male strengh problems!


From: Leena Shirlee

To: Support@volcano.net

Date: October 28th, 2009

Subject: Re: You are the sunlight that brightens up my day.


Dear support at volcano, well met this is Leena.

You know, I was having a very terrible day today, you know those days where nothing goes right? It started off with severe digestive upsets which took me by surprise while I was riding to the employment office on the train. I’ve often prayed I’d never have to quickly exit a train so that I could find a waste receptacle for my soiled underwear. It seemed my luck ran out this morning.

When I thought I found a private place to toss my soiled lace thong, who comes rounding the corner but my ex boyfriend????? looking all tan and firm  and italian from the gym, with some glistening gym bunny girlfriend whore of a bitch. Great. “what are you doing,” they asked “are you a hobo now? you’ve been unemployed 4-ever!! ha ha ha!” I had to lie and tell them I was looking for my purse which blew into the trashcan by accident. What a terrible lie. What kind of wind blows a purse into a trashcan? A stupidly made-up wind, that is what. Then, the gym bunny wrinkles her botox nose and says ‘ew something smells like a dinkleplop” and again I was forced to lie and say it must be a diaper or something. I also told them I got a job as a Chariman Executive of some board or other, I forget.

After my ex left, I sat down on the curb and began weeping for how sad and stupid my life is. I wondered if I’d ever find love again seeing as I  am the type of person who apparently cannot even control her bowels on a train. Can you imagine making love to me? There is only one position I can do now that won’t disturb my stomach and that involves a special swing.

I walked home, with bitterness rising in me like an angry moon demon. While I was crossing the street to my house, I saw an old person struggling with some bags, cursing quietly to himself “cuntycuntycunty”… and because I was so consumed with bitterness I looked over and said “I hope you get steamrolled grandpa, you waste of gravy.” Well, guess what? He got run over. Now I have officially had what the philosophers call a “Grand Peux Da Troit” i.e. the worst day in the whole fucking world!

So I came home and looked at my email, and there was your message. The subject: “You are the sunlight that brightens up my day.” Really? Me? Someone’s…… sunlight? Me, who boils potatoes in the darkness and watches nothing but old episodes of Magnum PI and rips paper in half for stress relief. Me, who cheats at monopoly. Me, who spreads marmalade on the counter so the ants can come and be my friends.

Then I open the message, and see, you are only trying to sell me pills for my foiled erections, which, if I had them, at least there would be something noble about that, but no!

So, what I’m trying to say is, please don’t toy with people in your email messages.  call a spade a spade…if you’re trying to sell me some wang lifters, please specify them in the subject line. Don’t take advantage of people who’ve had a GRAND PEUX DA TROIT like I have. Seriously, It is everything I can do not to drown myself in the bay right now and if I do it’ll be all your fault.

~~Leena

October 28, 2009

Beulah Bijoux to Chen Guan: “WHERE DO I FIND A CHINESE RESTAURANT THAT SERVES REAL CHINESE FOOD LIKE EGG FOO YOUNG?”

From: Mary E Sarko <MSarko@matcmadison.edu>

To: Beulah Bijoux <beulahbijoux@yahoo.com>

Date: October 27th, 2009

Subject: Can I Trust You.

Dear Friend,

My name is Mr. Chen Guan from Bank of China, Hong Kong. I have a secured business proposal worth $17,300,000.00 United States Dollars. It is very safe and secured.

Contact me for more details if your are interested you can reach me at chenguantrust@yahoo.com.hk for more details.
SPECAIL NOTICE PLEASE IF YOU ARE NOT INTERESTED KINDLY DELETE THIS EMAIL DON’T REPLY, IT IS FOR ONLY INTERSTED PERSON.
PLEASE SEND ALL YOUR RESPONSE TO chenguantrust@yahoo.com.hk SO THAT I CAN REACH YOU.
Regards,
Mr. Chen Guan.
From: Beulah Bijoux <beulahbijoux@yahoo.com>
To: Mary E Sarko <MSarko@matcmadison.edu>
Date: October 27th, 2009
Subject: RE: Can I trust you.

HELLO MR CHEN, THIS IS BEULAH BIJOUX (BEE BEE) AND I WANTED TO INTRODUCE MYSELF TO YOU RIGHT NOW. I AM NEW TO THE WHOLE COMPUTER MAIL THING SO PLEASE FORGIVE THE GOOF-UPS I MAKE.MY LATE HUSBAND BUSTER, (THE MOLASSES TYCOON, YOU MIGHT HAVE HEARD OF HIM ON THE NEWS YEARS AGO) WELL HE NEVER TRUSTED THE CHINESE. HE SAID THEY ARE COLD, NEVER SLEEP,  AND USE MATH FOR EVIL. I HOWEVER NEVER HAD ANY PROBLEMS WITH THE CHINESE, OR THEIR FOOD. HOWEVER, RECENTLY MY TRAMP OF A GRANDDAUGHTER AND HER JEW BOYFRIEND (THE JEWS ARE THE ONLY ONES NOT TO TRUST) BROUGHT ME TO A CHINESE RESTAURANT FOR MY BIRTHDAY, AND I WAS SHOCKED!!! I DIDN’T RECOGNIZE ONE THING ON THE MENU–THEY SAID “THIS IS AN AUTHENTIC CHINESE PLAAAAACE” GRANDMA, ALL SLOW LIKE I’M DEAF OR SOMETHING. ANYWAY, THERE WASN’T ANY CHOP SUEY OR EGG FOO YOUNG ON THE MENU! THEY HAD EGG ROLLS BUT THEY WEREN’T EVEN COOKED. ALL IN ALL IT WAS A BUM DEAL AND I HAD THE TROLLYWOOPS FOR DAYS FROM THE “SKEZWAN” SPICE. (WHY DON’T THEY SPELLIT LIKE IT SOUNDS??)  I AM ASKING YOU, WHERE DO I FIND A CHINESE RESTAURANT THAT SERVES REAL CHINESE FOOD LIKE EGG FOO YOUNG? OR HAS EVERYTHING CHANGED NOW? IN CHINA WHERE YOU LIVE, WHERE DO YOU GO FOR FOOD? I HAVE A HARD TIME BELIEVEING THAT WHAT I ATE FOR MY BIRTHDAY WAS ANYTHING LIKE WHAT THE REAL CHINESE EAT.

 

WELL, HOPE TO HEAR FROM YOU SOON, I HAVE TO DUST BUSTERS OLD TRUMPET NOW.

SPECIFICALLY YOURS,
BEULAH (BEE BEE) BIJOUX

Leena Shirlee to Mr. Private Money: “I suggest we conduct our business in the only private place I can think of: My Bedroom.”

From: <private-money@formext.com>

To: Leena Shirlee

Date: October 27th, 2009

Subject: Private Money is available For Leena Shirlee of Oakland, CA.

Dear Leena,

You can borrow money privately from members of our organization
who loan their savings to private people instead of keeping it in a bank.

Skjerly family requests from $1,000 to $25,000 are accepted
regardless of your credit score [6.00% to 29.00%].

Please confirm your personal info to get started:

Leena Shirlee
Oakland,
CA
94613

Confirm your address for immediate info.

http://direct.formext.com/index.php?id=2

You must confirm now or your name will be removed from our list
of people eligible to request a private loan.


From:Leena Shirlee

To: <private-money@formext.com>

babycow

The "FAmily safe" version of this picture! 🙂

Date: October 27, 2009

Subject: Private Money is available for Leena Shirlee

Hello Mr. Privates, and well met this is Leena!

I am a private person who is interested in borrowing private money. However doesn’t it go against your whole philosophy of privacy to ask me for my personal information? Everyone knows everything typed into an email is automatically read by google, president obama, japanese nano-planes, and the get-along gang.

Therefore, I suggest we conduct our business entirely away from email, and into the only real private place I can think of: My bedroom.

I have taken special measures to ensure our complete privacy. There are no phones, no emails, no computers or anything else that could hear or hinder our conversation. What happens behind those dozens of layers of egg carton, polyfill, and triple lamb suede stays behind them. We can conduct our business in there, in complete safety. If you want to loan me money then, we can make it happen. Infact, my private bedroom is a place where ANYTHING can happen. You’re safe there. If you want to be pretend you are colonel sanders, I will be your naughty fry cook who drops her underwear in the boiling oil and sells it back to the customers. If you want to pretend you are the handburgler from mcdonalds, I can be the angry vegetarian who forces you to look at graphic pictures of animals being slaughtered (i.e. ME in the top half of a cow costume TOTALLY NUDE ON THE BOTTOM!). I’m telling you, Mr. Privates, we can make our dreams come true in the privacy of my bedroom. You can be as loud as you want to, as freaky as you want to, and body fluids are easily cleaned up because I have my new plastic sheets now. Anything goes, and when you leave, nobody has to know.

Please consider my request. I am sending you a picture of me in my cow costume. (the PG version!!)
Leena

Leena Shirlee to Buker Williams: “How much does it cost to rent your bullion van?”

 

From: Buker Williams <williams2@yahoo.com>

To: Leena Shirlee

Date: October 26, 2009

Subject: I AND MY SISTER NEED YOUR ASSISTANCE PLEASE

 

From: Buker  Williams
Compliments of the day!

I and my younger sister write to seek for your assistance; we got your contact from a noble gentleman that came to our refugee camp who came to give a seminar about AIDS whom we confronted that we are looking a God-fearing person that is when your data was given to us.

My name is Buker Williams and my younger sister  Erica Williams a Liberian, my consignment contains More than 35 million United States dollars and some quantity of gold and Diamond, which I cannot be specify. The consignments are presently in the State. The consignment gets to State through the help of a U.N diplomat Dr.Benson . The fact is that Dr.Benson is supposed to have delivered this consignment to a man called Mr.Jack Constance in Off-Shore. The week Dr.Benson is suppose to deliver the consignment to him,

When he got to the State after clearing the consignment from the Airport,  he call Mr.Jack Constance to tell him the description to is house for the delivery, but is wife answered the call and told Dr.Benson that her husband Mr.Jack Constance hard a fatal car accident which lead to his death some few hours later. Mr.Jack Constance has already paid the demur rages from the security company,

he paid for Bullion van that took the consignment to the airport and he paid for  custom check report he also assisted us in getting the Necessary Document  covering the Consignment and Also for the DRUG / ANTI TERRORIST CERTIFICATE, which is so expensive that he spent 25 thousand dollars to acquire it,  but  unfortunately he died in a car accident, that was why Dr.Benson has to deposit  the consignment with a warehouse over there in the State called us to informed us about what is happening.

Please I and my little sister seek for your help to Contact the Diplomat with this Email( diplomat_benson_robert@zapak.com) so that he can be able to deliver  the Consignment to you. I do want you to instruct him that you have discuses this with us, and you want him to the delivery of your children consignment to you on time now. Please,

I look forward to hear from you soon, and i shall appreciate any correspond  reply from you and God will richly bless as you think to helping me and my sick  sister,

Here is my direct email address ( buker_williams@mcom.com )
Best Regard
From
Buker Williams

From: Leena Shirlee

To: Buker Williams <williams2@yahoo.com>

Date: October 26th, 2009

Subject: RE: I AND MY SISTER NEED YOUR ASSISTANCE PLEASE


Hello Buker Williams, and well met this is Leena!

I sure am happy to see your email today. I have been having the worst trouble preparing a meal for several hungry veterans, a girl scout, and a “snotty” teenager who only eats red vines and 7 layer burritos from taco bell. I am very curious to hear about your Bullion Van! Is it something that can be rented out? I checked your website, and it said a deposit was needed but after that you only pay for mileage and water, but it didn’t say whether or not I could drive it. I would very much like to drive it. I like to drive vehicles that contain food to places that need food–is that weird?

My second question is, once I have found a Bullion flavor to suit my cooking needs, assuming I only need half a cube or so, can I sell you back the extra bullion? I hate to be wasteful in this day and age.

My third question is….Assuming I would like to start my own Bullion business, do you recommend I create a website/twitter account first and then buy the van? Or do you think I should just paint the van very colorfully and drive it around town waving and smiling? Why don’t people wave and smile  anymore? People are such cowards. I was thinking I could paint the van to look like a giant bullion cube and call my business “Leena’s Travelling Bullion Bar.” What do you think?

Incidentally, my favorite flavor of bullion is ham, what is yours?

Thank you for your advice, and I hope to hear from you soon,
Leena

PS–I hope you don’t have any more demure rages! My mother says demure is just another word for coward but she lived under mind control of the broth wizard for many years. I hope to revitalize her soon.

 

Beef-Bouillon-Cube-002-

October 23, 2009

Leena Shirlee to Playlotto.com: “My message is deep.”

Filed under: Uncategorized — ArleneShirlee @ 12:16 am
Tags: , , , , ,

On Thu, Oct 22, 2009 at 2:55 PM, noreply@PlayLotto.com <PlayLotto.com@olemiss.edu> wrote:

This Email is to inform you that you have Emerged winner for
“Lotto draw of £792,430.00 GBP,in our Unclaimed Draws
programme” please contact Clearance office for details at
Email: uk-fxx008@live.co.uk

From: Leena Shirlee

To: Playlotto.com

Date: October 22, 2009 4:20 PM

Subject: Re: 2008 Unclaimed Drawing Award!!!!


Hello and well met, this is Leena!

Are you serious that I won the drawing award?!? I entered that contest YEARS ago, and I had nearly forgotten! Which drawing did you like best, the one of the duck, or the family of horses? I have to admit, I worked much harder on the duck drawing–duck bills are actually harder to draw than you think.

If I remember correctly–in addition to the £792,430.00 GBP, I believe I am owed a gallery opening as well. Do I get my choice in galleries, or do you choose for me? I would like my picture to be framed on a pale ocher wall, if that is possible. I can even bring my own paint for the wall. If the gallery doesn’t allow this, then perhaps we can find a cerulean or taupe wall to hang the drawing.

If I am not being too forward, and if it would please your master, I would also like to ask you out on a date. I decided long ago that I would marry the person will fell in love with my art, who understands the message I am trying to send to the world. My message is deep.

Would you like to have dinner at my mothers house this saturday? She makes delicious spaghetti and meatballs, not too garlicky so we can share fluids later! What do you think? otherwise, she makes a very good tuna casserole.Do you like tuna? What is your favorite fish?  If you are vegetarian, we can figure that out–usually we keep a variety of fresh produce on hand, and crackers too.

Here is a self-portrait I did recently, it is called “birdgasm”  As you can see,  I’m very good at drawing winged breasts. I’m so happy I won the contest! I can’t wait to tell mother.

My heart,

birdgasm 2006

birdgasm 2006

Leena

October 20, 2009

Beulah Bijoux to Harrison KARN: “MY CLEANING LADY IS A NEGRO AND SHE ALWAYS LEAVES ME A PEPPERMINT WHEEL ON MY PILLOW WHEN SHE IS DONE.”

Filed under: Beulah Bijoux,Uncategorized — ArleneShirlee @ 5:36 pm
Tags: , , , , , ,

From:HarrisonKARN <Webmail8@w46m2hmoq.homepage.t-online.de>

To: Beulah Bijox <beulahbijoux@yahoo.com>

Date: October 20, 2009

Subject:Re: Notification for the month of October, 2009

FIRST BANK OF NIGERIA PLC.

Truly the first

Corporate Headquarters:

HEAD OFFICE: SAMUEL ASABIA HOUSE,

#35 MARINA, LAGOS.

TEL: +234-80559-11132, FAX: +234-70684-49701

Our Ref: FBNP/X-XI/2009

YOUR OUTSTANDING PAYMENT WITH THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT OF NIGERIA.

Following a Dibt Buy –Back Agreement (DBA) reached between our bank and the Federal Government of Nigeria under the 2008/2009 fiscal year schemes.

Your outstanding payment with the Federal Government of Nigeria will now be paid through our bank (First Bank of Nigeria   PLC.) under the terms of the Dept Buy- Back Agreement (DBA). We are to pay your company immediately while the government will refund our bank through Federal Government Treasury bills in favor of our bank maturing in 2010.

In your file, it was discovered that there were some irregularities because you have not followed the due process  of clearance and payment, that is why you have not receive your fund even after all approval have been given. However, we have been able to sort these irregularities out.

Subsequently, Federal Republic of Nigeria (FGN) order contract number p24k was sued to this bank directing us to remit your fund immediately. Please send immediately your bank information, private telephone and fax number to avoid wrongful transfer of your funds.

You are advised to call me as soon as you receive this message on my direct telephone: +234-80559-11132, or through the email address: firstbank_nig@zoho.com, for further information.

Best regards,

Harrison KARN

Director, Foreign Payment Dept

First Bank of Nigeria PLC


From: Beulah Bijoux <beulahbijoux@yahoo.com>

Date: October 20, 2009

Subject: Re: Notification for the month of October

HELLO THIS IS BEULAH BIJOUX, (BEE BEE)  (WIDOW OF MOLASSES TYCOON BUSTER BIJOUX)  AND I AM RESPONDING TO YOUR INQUIRY ABOUT MY PAST DUE BILL WITH THE BANK OF NIGERIA.I HAVE GIVEN THE STARVING AFRICANS MUCH OF MY HUSBANDS HARD-EARNED MONEY IN MY DAY, I AM FRIENDS WITH SALLY STRUTHERS AND AM FAMILIAR WITH THE DOWN AND OUT WAYS OF THE STARVING AFRICANS. HOWEVER, I HAVE NEVER DONE NO  BUSINESS WITH THE BANK OF NIGERIA–MY TRAMP OF A GRANDDAUGHTER SAYS THIS MIGHT POSSIBLY BE A SCAM BUT IN THIS DAY AND AGE WHO HAS TIME TO TRY TO GET MONEY FROM PEOPLE THROUGH A COMPUTER??? IT IS SILLY. MY HUSBAND WORKED HARD IN THE MOLASSESS FACTORY, COMING HOME STICKY AND BROWN AND THEN THE DOGS WOULD LICK HIM CLEAN AND WE’D HAVE A GOOD CHUCKLE. HE WORKED HIS WAY UP TO CHIEF EXECUTIVE OFFICER AND KEPT VERY ACCURANT BANK RECORDS, AND I CANNOT SEE ANY EVIDENCE OF BANK OF NIGERIA ON HIS BOOKS.YOU KNOW, DESPITE WHAT MY FRIENDS SAY ABOUT THE NEGRO, I HAVE ALWAYS FOUND THEM TO BE TRUSTWORTHY AND WISE. MY CLEANING LADY WEEZIE IS A NEGRO AND SHE HAS ALWAYS DONE A GOOD JOB, NEVER COMPLAINS, AND LEAVES ME PEPPERMINT WHEELS ON MY PILLOW WHEN SHE IS DONE.

THE NIGERIANS HAVE IT ROUGH, SALLY STRUTHERS SAYS THAT THE LITTLE KIDS HAVE SWOLLEN-OUT BELLIES BECAUSE THEY SELL ALL THEIR BEEF CATTLE TO AMERICA AND SO ALL THEY HAVE TO EAT IS SOME GRASS OR SOMETHING. I HAVE GIVEN, AND GIVEN, AND GIVEN, AND I JUST CAN’T GIVE NO MORE.

I CANNOT PROVIDE YOU WITH ANY MORE OF MY LATE-HUSBANDS MONEY BUT IF YOU GIVE ME YOUR ADDRESS I WILL SEND YOU A BOTTLE OF BLACK-STRAP MOLLASSES (IT IS GOOD FOR IRON DEFICIENCY!)

I NEED TO TAKE MY PILLS NOW, MR. HARRISON. I HOPE YOU FIND THE RIGHT PERSON WHO OWES YOU MONEY.
YOURS SPECIFICALLY,
BEULAH BIJOUX

WEEZY LEAVES THESE FOR ME AFTER SHE CLEANS

WEEZY LEAVES THESE FOR ME AFTER SHE CLEANS

October 19, 2009

Leena Shirlee to Jack Williams: “when I hear the whirring of my sewing machine I feel….beautiful???”

Filed under: Leena Shirlee,Uncategorized — ArleneShirlee @ 7:13 pm
Tags: , , , , ,

From: Jack Williams jackwilliam123@aol.com

To: Leena Shirlee

Date: October 19th, 2009

Subject: PART TIME JOB OFFER FOR YOU

It Is my pleasure to present to you an online job offer from our reputable company, STOCK FABRICS.

STOCK FABRICS is a textile company that produces clothing materials such as Batiksmaterials, Assorted fabrics and Traditional costume worldwide here in Belgium.

We are glad to advertise a job position in our company. we are currently using this oppportunity in looking for an honest and reliable representative in your country who will assist us as a link between us and our clients over there.

Presently with the amount of Orders we have, we cannot put them on hold for fear of loosing the customers out rightly. Secondly we cannot cash payments from outside the Belgium soon enough, as international Cheques take about 15-20 working days to clear. We lose about 75,000 USD of net income each month because we have money transfer delays. Your task is to coordinate payments from customers and help speed up the payment process.

About 90 percent of our customers prefer to pay through Certified Cheques & Bank Transfers, based on the amount involved. We have decided to open this new job position for solving this problem.

Our payments will be issued out in your name and you can have them cashed at your bank or other Cashing Services. Deduct 10% commission our firm has agreed to allocate to you on every transaction and forward the balance to the company. If you are interested, please send to me the listed information below:

Your full name :
Sex and Age :
Home Address :
Zip Code:
Country:
Occupation:
Telephone number(s) :
Bank Name:

ONLY SERIOUS AND INTERESTED PERSONS SHOULD PLEASE REPLY:

From: Leena Shirlee

To: Jack Williams <jackwilliam123@aol.com>

Date: October 19th, 2009

Subject: RE: PART TIME JOB OFFER

Hello Jack William, and well met! This is Leena.

I am very excited to hear about the job offer for your costume company! I must admit, my job hunt has been going pretty poorly. I have been working administrative jobs since I was out of high-school and unfortunately, since  I am too ugly to sleep my way up in a company,all I have done most of my years is staple documents and answer the phones (they stick me in the way back).

However, my  one love of life is sewing and costumes! I enjoy making unusual costumes. When I hear the whirring of my sewing machine, the world disappears and I become……… beautiful????  I can no longer hear the taunts and jeers of teenagers as I board the city bus (“hey ugly! is that you or did your neck throw up?” and “you are so ugly  you must have escaped from a nucular testing zone” etc etc.) When I sew, I no longer feel the icy stares of the skinny secretary at work or the cold abcess of stares from men I find attractive but cannot look in the eye. But you know what? I have always felt that….someday I will prove them all wrong! I will become known for my unique costumes and then they will all be sorry for making fun of me. They will be begging down my door for one of my creations!

And then your email arrived! I am very excited to go into business with you! I have heard much about Stock Fabrics–I think Armani used to use your company frequently for his chiffon blazers, no?

I do not have alot of official experience to put on a resume, but I can assure you I work very hard and I am determined to make something of myself!!!!  When I was in high-school I made costumes for the entire cast of showboat, and I am including a few pictures of costumes I have sewn so you can see for yourself.

I can start immediately! Just let me know where I should go and if there’s a W4 I need to fill out.

All my best,
Leena Shirlee

one of my creations!

one of my creations!

Beulah Bijoux to Carol Washington: “THERE IS A REASON GOD PUT HAIR THERE.”

Filed under: Beulah Bijoux,Uncategorized — ArleneShirlee @ 5:56 pm
Tags: , , , ,

From: Carol Washington <carolwashington3977542@yahoo.com>

To: Beulah Bijoux <beaulahbijoux@yahoo.com>

Date: October 19th, 2009

Subject: Fwd: good day. it is happy.

it is happy   http://www.sandra4398.efyluaeuuu.us/


From: Beulah Bijoux <beulahbijoux@yahoo.com>

To: Carol Washington <carolwashington3977542@yahoo.com>

Date: October 19th, 2009

Subject: Re: Fwd: Good day. it is happy.

DEAR CAROL, THIS IS BEULAH BIJOUX (BEE BEE) WIDOW OF THE GREAT MOLASSES TYCOON BUSTER BIJOUX. I RECEIVED YOUR MESSAGE AND I  DID CONTROL-ALT-DELETE ON THE BLUELINK BUT IT JUST LED ME TO HORRIBLE DISGUSTING PICTURES OF WOMEN’S AND MENS GENITALS!!!!!  IS IT ME OR ARE GENITALS MORE HORRIFYING THEN THEY USED TO BE? THERE IS A REASON GOD PUT HAIR THERE, AND THAT IS TO COVER UP THE SHREDDED LOOKING FLAPS OF A WOMAN. WHY DO PEOPLE WANT TO SEE THIS? DO MEN LIKE LOOKING AT THE SHREDDED FLAPS? OR IS IT THE LESBEANS WHO HAVE PUT THEM UP TO IT. I HAVE A LAPSED VULVA AND I CERTAINLY DON’T LIKE TO SHOW IT TO ANYONE (HOWEVER I HAVE LOST ALL MY HAIR DOWN THERE DUE TO AGE). MAYBE IT’S A MARKETING PLOY TO KEEP THE RAZOR PEOPLE IN BUSINESS, IT MUST TAKE HOURS TO SHAVE A WOMAN THAT WAY!

NEEDLESS TO SAY, IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO BE MY FRIEND I AM OPEN TO THAT. HOWEVER, I HAVE TO TELL YOU I HAVEN’T HAD A GOOD DAY SINCE THE HORMEL PARADE IN 1978. (MY HUSBAND MADE A FLOATER THERE).

I HOPE TO HEAR FROM YOU SOON. I AM ENCLOSING A PICTURE OF MY LATE HUSBAND, BUSTER.
BEE BEE

Buster Bijoux, RIP my heart, my love,  my molasses king.

Buster Bijoux, RIP my heart, my love, my molasses king.

Beulah Bijoux to Mr. Meatpiece: “HAVE YOU EVER TRIED HORSE STRAPPING?”

Filed under: Beulah Bijoux,Uncategorized — ArleneShirlee @ 5:25 pm
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From: <sumlikitruf02@yahoo.com>

To: beulahbijoux@yahoo.com

Date: October 19th, 2009

Subject: Strengthen your meatpiece

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From: Beulah Bijoux (beaulahbijoux@yahoo.com)

To: <sumlikitruf02@yahoo.com>

Date: October 19th, 2009

Subject: Re: Strengthen your meatpiece

DEAR MR, MEATPIECE, THIS IS BEULAH BIJOUX (WIDOW OF THE MOLASSES TYCOON LATE BUSTER BIJOUX) AND I JUST WANT TO SAY I DO NOT APPRECIATE BEING TALKED TO LIKE THAT BECAUSE I AM AN OLD WOMAN. YOU THINK EVERYONE JUST WANTS TO JUMP INTO THE BED WITH YOU, BUT YOU ARE WRONG. I DO NOT KNOW YOU BUT I CAN ASSURE YOU IF I WAS YOUNGER AND I DID KNOW YOU I STILL WOULDN’T JUMP INTO BED WITH YOU. I ONLY MADE WHOOPIE TO ONE MAN ONLY!!!! AND THAT IS BUSTER. (WELL, OKAY NOW THAT HE IS DEAD I CAN ADMIT THERE WAS MRS O’LEARY AT THE PENNYMART BUT SHE OFFERED ME DISCOUNT ON BUTTONS)

THESE DAYS I CANNOT GET OUT VERY MUCH–I HAVE STAGE THREE ALPERS DISEASE AND THE DOCTOR JUST TOLD ME I MIGHT NEED BENCH DIALYSIS SOON. HOWEVER, I DO NOT WANT TO BE RUDE AND IGNORE YOUR MESSAGE TO ME. DO YOU HAVE PEOPLE YOU CAN TALK TO? MAYBE YOU COULD LIKE SOME ADVICE FROM A GRANNY–OH YES I KNOW A THING OR TWO! JUST BECAUSE I AM 93 YEARS OLD WITH A LAPSED VULVA DOESN’T MEAN I KNOW DIDDLY SQUAT. BELIEVE ME, I KNOW MANY TRICKS YOU YOUNG PEOPLE NEVER EVEN HEARD OF. FOR INSTANCE, HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF HORSE-STRAPPING? HAVE YOU EVER TIED A NANNY KNOT? NO PROBABLY NOT BECAUSE YOU ARE TOO BUSY BEING VULGAR AND PROPASITIONING GRANNIES ON THE COMPUTER.

WELL, MY NURSE IS HERE TO  GREASE UP MY LEGS. I HOPE YOU TAKE CARE, AND GOD BLESS.
YOURS SINCERELY,
BEULAH (BEE BEE) BIJOUX

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