Arlene Shirlee : Dear Spammer, I Love You

October 29, 2009

Leena Shirlee to Support@Volcano.net: “I have officially had what the philosophers call a “Grand Peux De Troit.”

Filed under: Uncategorized — ArleneShirlee @ 10:46 pm

From: Support@volcano.net
To: Leena Shirlee
Date: October 28th, 2009
Subject: You are the sunlight that brightens up my day.

Choose blue caplets as your unversal and strong solution against male strengh problems!


From: Leena Shirlee

To: Support@volcano.net

Date: October 28th, 2009

Subject: Re: You are the sunlight that brightens up my day.


Dear support at volcano, well met this is Leena.

You know, I was having a very terrible day today, you know those days where nothing goes right? It started off with severe digestive upsets which took me by surprise while I was riding to the employment office on the train. I’ve often prayed I’d never have to quickly exit a train so that I could find a waste receptacle for my soiled underwear. It seemed my luck ran out this morning.

When I thought I found a private place to toss my soiled lace thong, who comes rounding the corner but my ex boyfriend????? looking all tan and firm  and italian from the gym, with some glistening gym bunny girlfriend whore of a bitch. Great. “what are you doing,” they asked “are you a hobo now? you’ve been unemployed 4-ever!! ha ha ha!” I had to lie and tell them I was looking for my purse which blew into the trashcan by accident. What a terrible lie. What kind of wind blows a purse into a trashcan? A stupidly made-up wind, that is what. Then, the gym bunny wrinkles her botox nose and says ‘ew something smells like a dinkleplop” and again I was forced to lie and say it must be a diaper or something. I also told them I got a job as a Chariman Executive of some board or other, I forget.

After my ex left, I sat down on the curb and began weeping for how sad and stupid my life is. I wondered if I’d ever find love again seeing as I  am the type of person who apparently cannot even control her bowels on a train. Can you imagine making love to me? There is only one position I can do now that won’t disturb my stomach and that involves a special swing.

I walked home, with bitterness rising in me like an angry moon demon. While I was crossing the street to my house, I saw an old person struggling with some bags, cursing quietly to himself “cuntycuntycunty”… and because I was so consumed with bitterness I looked over and said “I hope you get steamrolled grandpa, you waste of gravy.” Well, guess what? He got run over. Now I have officially had what the philosophers call a “Grand Peux Da Troit” i.e. the worst day in the whole fucking world!

So I came home and looked at my email, and there was your message. The subject: “You are the sunlight that brightens up my day.” Really? Me? Someone’s…… sunlight? Me, who boils potatoes in the darkness and watches nothing but old episodes of Magnum PI and rips paper in half for stress relief. Me, who cheats at monopoly. Me, who spreads marmalade on the counter so the ants can come and be my friends.

Then I open the message, and see, you are only trying to sell me pills for my foiled erections, which, if I had them, at least there would be something noble about that, but no!

So, what I’m trying to say is, please don’t toy with people in your email messages.  call a spade a spade…if you’re trying to sell me some wang lifters, please specify them in the subject line. Don’t take advantage of people who’ve had a GRAND PEUX DA TROIT like I have. Seriously, It is everything I can do not to drown myself in the bay right now and if I do it’ll be all your fault.

~~Leena

First Bank of Nigeria to Beulah Bijoux: “Your Husband Molasses Bijoux was a good man from what I’ve heard.”

Filed under: Beulah Bijoux — ArleneShirlee @ 9:52 pm
Tags: , , , ,

FIRST BANK OF NIGERIA PLC

Truly the first

Corporate Headquarters:

HEAD OFFICE: SAMUEL ASABIA HOUSE,

No. 35 MARINA LAGOS

Direct Tel: +234-80559-11132, FAX: +234-70684-49701

Our Ref: FBNP/X-XI/200

Date: 23/10/2009

Attention: Beulah Bijoux,

We write to acknowledge the receipt of your mail. Your late husband Molasses Bijoux was a good man from what I heard and I am assuring that what every that belong to you shall never waste. Please, forward the following information as stated below to us to enable us commences the processing of your payment.

1) Your full names and address.

2) Your telephone and fax numbers.

3) The details of the bank account where you want us to transfer your funds with your bankers address and telephone number.

The supply of these information are necessary prerequisite before we commence the processing of your payment. Once the information are supplied and verified with what we have in our database, we shall commence the process of releasing the payment to you, so supply them as soon as possible.

Please, feel free to contact me on my direct telephone number +234-80559-11132, for further explanation.

Best Regards,

Harrison KARN

Director, Foreign Payment Dept

First Bank of Nigeria PLC


From: Beulah Bijoux
To: FirstBank Info
Date: October 28th, 2009
Subject: Re: Notification for the month of October

DEAR HARRISON, THIS IS BEULAH BIJOUX, THANK YOU FOR YOUR KIND WORDS ABOUT MY LATE HUSBAND, HE WAS A GOOD MAN, PROVIDED WELL FOR HIS FAMILY AND NEVER LATE FOR DINNER. I DO MISS HIM, AND I WOULD DO NEARLY ANYTHING TO GET HIM BACK. ONE OF THE FIRST THINGS I PLAN TO DO WITH THE MONEY, IS HIRE AN EXCAVATION TEAM TO DIG HIM OUT OF THE BLOCK HE IS FROZEN IN. I BELIEVE HIS DEATH WAS OF FOUL PLAY, BUT I CAN’T TELL FOR SURE BECAUSE HE IS SO FAR DOWN THERE. THERE WAS SUSPICIOUS ACTIVITY IN THE MOLLASSES PLANT, THEY STARTED USING MONKEYS TO HELP WITH SMALL TASKS LIKE SCREWING JARS AND I THINK SOME OF THE MONKEYS BEGAN DRINKING THE PETROMALT THEY USED FOR THE AMBER MOLASSES. (A LIGHTER MOLASSES BETTER FOR BAKING GINGERBREAD) THE MONKEYS STARTED TO GET VERY AGGRESSIVE AND I THEY PROBABLY WENT FOR THE “ALFA” MALE WHICH WAS MY DEAR HUSBAND. (I AM INCLUDING A PICTURE OF THE MONKEY I THINK WAS BEHIND IT)

SO WHAT KIND OF INFORMATION DO YOU NEED TO KNOW? I AM MOSTLY DEAF, SO I CAN’T TALK BY PHONE. I ALWAYS DO MY BANKING AT THE DEL RAY CREDIT UNION OVER THERE IN GLADESDALE THE ONLY BANK NOT RUN BY JEWS. I HAVEN’T LOOKED AT MY ACCOUNT FOR QUITE SOME TIME NOW, BUT I SUPPOSE SINCE YOU ARE A GOOD MAN WHO RESPECTS MY HUSBANDS NAME, I CAN ACCOMODATE YOU IT’S 643-874-548-221 YOU CAN ASK FOR BELINDA.

I HOPE TO HEAR FROM YOU SOON, MY FRIEND, AND NOW THIS OLD LADY MUST TAKE HER FIZZY ALPERS TABLETS AND OFF TO BED.

SPECIFICALLY YOURS, BEULAH BEE BEE BIJOUX.

angry-monkey

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MONKEY?

October 28, 2009

Beulah Bijoux to Chen Guan: “WHERE DO I FIND A CHINESE RESTAURANT THAT SERVES REAL CHINESE FOOD LIKE EGG FOO YOUNG?”

From: Mary E Sarko <MSarko@matcmadison.edu>

To: Beulah Bijoux <beulahbijoux@yahoo.com>

Date: October 27th, 2009

Subject: Can I Trust You.

Dear Friend,

My name is Mr. Chen Guan from Bank of China, Hong Kong. I have a secured business proposal worth $17,300,000.00 United States Dollars. It is very safe and secured.

Contact me for more details if your are interested you can reach me at chenguantrust@yahoo.com.hk for more details.
SPECAIL NOTICE PLEASE IF YOU ARE NOT INTERESTED KINDLY DELETE THIS EMAIL DON’T REPLY, IT IS FOR ONLY INTERSTED PERSON.
PLEASE SEND ALL YOUR RESPONSE TO chenguantrust@yahoo.com.hk SO THAT I CAN REACH YOU.
Regards,
Mr. Chen Guan.
From: Beulah Bijoux <beulahbijoux@yahoo.com>
To: Mary E Sarko <MSarko@matcmadison.edu>
Date: October 27th, 2009
Subject: RE: Can I trust you.

HELLO MR CHEN, THIS IS BEULAH BIJOUX (BEE BEE) AND I WANTED TO INTRODUCE MYSELF TO YOU RIGHT NOW. I AM NEW TO THE WHOLE COMPUTER MAIL THING SO PLEASE FORGIVE THE GOOF-UPS I MAKE.MY LATE HUSBAND BUSTER, (THE MOLASSES TYCOON, YOU MIGHT HAVE HEARD OF HIM ON THE NEWS YEARS AGO) WELL HE NEVER TRUSTED THE CHINESE. HE SAID THEY ARE COLD, NEVER SLEEP,  AND USE MATH FOR EVIL. I HOWEVER NEVER HAD ANY PROBLEMS WITH THE CHINESE, OR THEIR FOOD. HOWEVER, RECENTLY MY TRAMP OF A GRANDDAUGHTER AND HER JEW BOYFRIEND (THE JEWS ARE THE ONLY ONES NOT TO TRUST) BROUGHT ME TO A CHINESE RESTAURANT FOR MY BIRTHDAY, AND I WAS SHOCKED!!! I DIDN’T RECOGNIZE ONE THING ON THE MENU–THEY SAID “THIS IS AN AUTHENTIC CHINESE PLAAAAACE” GRANDMA, ALL SLOW LIKE I’M DEAF OR SOMETHING. ANYWAY, THERE WASN’T ANY CHOP SUEY OR EGG FOO YOUNG ON THE MENU! THEY HAD EGG ROLLS BUT THEY WEREN’T EVEN COOKED. ALL IN ALL IT WAS A BUM DEAL AND I HAD THE TROLLYWOOPS FOR DAYS FROM THE “SKEZWAN” SPICE. (WHY DON’T THEY SPELLIT LIKE IT SOUNDS??)  I AM ASKING YOU, WHERE DO I FIND A CHINESE RESTAURANT THAT SERVES REAL CHINESE FOOD LIKE EGG FOO YOUNG? OR HAS EVERYTHING CHANGED NOW? IN CHINA WHERE YOU LIVE, WHERE DO YOU GO FOR FOOD? I HAVE A HARD TIME BELIEVEING THAT WHAT I ATE FOR MY BIRTHDAY WAS ANYTHING LIKE WHAT THE REAL CHINESE EAT.

 

WELL, HOPE TO HEAR FROM YOU SOON, I HAVE TO DUST BUSTERS OLD TRUMPET NOW.

SPECIFICALLY YOURS,
BEULAH (BEE BEE) BIJOUX

Leena Shirlee to Mr. Private Money: “I suggest we conduct our business in the only private place I can think of: My Bedroom.”

From: <private-money@formext.com>

To: Leena Shirlee

Date: October 27th, 2009

Subject: Private Money is available For Leena Shirlee of Oakland, CA.

Dear Leena,

You can borrow money privately from members of our organization
who loan their savings to private people instead of keeping it in a bank.

Skjerly family requests from $1,000 to $25,000 are accepted
regardless of your credit score [6.00% to 29.00%].

Please confirm your personal info to get started:

Leena Shirlee
Oakland,
CA
94613

Confirm your address for immediate info.

http://direct.formext.com/index.php?id=2

You must confirm now or your name will be removed from our list
of people eligible to request a private loan.


From:Leena Shirlee

To: <private-money@formext.com>

babycow

The "FAmily safe" version of this picture! 🙂

Date: October 27, 2009

Subject: Private Money is available for Leena Shirlee

Hello Mr. Privates, and well met this is Leena!

I am a private person who is interested in borrowing private money. However doesn’t it go against your whole philosophy of privacy to ask me for my personal information? Everyone knows everything typed into an email is automatically read by google, president obama, japanese nano-planes, and the get-along gang.

Therefore, I suggest we conduct our business entirely away from email, and into the only real private place I can think of: My bedroom.

I have taken special measures to ensure our complete privacy. There are no phones, no emails, no computers or anything else that could hear or hinder our conversation. What happens behind those dozens of layers of egg carton, polyfill, and triple lamb suede stays behind them. We can conduct our business in there, in complete safety. If you want to loan me money then, we can make it happen. Infact, my private bedroom is a place where ANYTHING can happen. You’re safe there. If you want to be pretend you are colonel sanders, I will be your naughty fry cook who drops her underwear in the boiling oil and sells it back to the customers. If you want to pretend you are the handburgler from mcdonalds, I can be the angry vegetarian who forces you to look at graphic pictures of animals being slaughtered (i.e. ME in the top half of a cow costume TOTALLY NUDE ON THE BOTTOM!). I’m telling you, Mr. Privates, we can make our dreams come true in the privacy of my bedroom. You can be as loud as you want to, as freaky as you want to, and body fluids are easily cleaned up because I have my new plastic sheets now. Anything goes, and when you leave, nobody has to know.

Please consider my request. I am sending you a picture of me in my cow costume. (the PG version!!)
Leena

Leena Shirlee to Buker Williams: “How much does it cost to rent your bullion van?”

 

From: Buker Williams <williams2@yahoo.com>

To: Leena Shirlee

Date: October 26, 2009

Subject: I AND MY SISTER NEED YOUR ASSISTANCE PLEASE

 

From: Buker  Williams
Compliments of the day!

I and my younger sister write to seek for your assistance; we got your contact from a noble gentleman that came to our refugee camp who came to give a seminar about AIDS whom we confronted that we are looking a God-fearing person that is when your data was given to us.

My name is Buker Williams and my younger sister  Erica Williams a Liberian, my consignment contains More than 35 million United States dollars and some quantity of gold and Diamond, which I cannot be specify. The consignments are presently in the State. The consignment gets to State through the help of a U.N diplomat Dr.Benson . The fact is that Dr.Benson is supposed to have delivered this consignment to a man called Mr.Jack Constance in Off-Shore. The week Dr.Benson is suppose to deliver the consignment to him,

When he got to the State after clearing the consignment from the Airport,  he call Mr.Jack Constance to tell him the description to is house for the delivery, but is wife answered the call and told Dr.Benson that her husband Mr.Jack Constance hard a fatal car accident which lead to his death some few hours later. Mr.Jack Constance has already paid the demur rages from the security company,

he paid for Bullion van that took the consignment to the airport and he paid for  custom check report he also assisted us in getting the Necessary Document  covering the Consignment and Also for the DRUG / ANTI TERRORIST CERTIFICATE, which is so expensive that he spent 25 thousand dollars to acquire it,  but  unfortunately he died in a car accident, that was why Dr.Benson has to deposit  the consignment with a warehouse over there in the State called us to informed us about what is happening.

Please I and my little sister seek for your help to Contact the Diplomat with this Email( diplomat_benson_robert@zapak.com) so that he can be able to deliver  the Consignment to you. I do want you to instruct him that you have discuses this with us, and you want him to the delivery of your children consignment to you on time now. Please,

I look forward to hear from you soon, and i shall appreciate any correspond  reply from you and God will richly bless as you think to helping me and my sick  sister,

Here is my direct email address ( buker_williams@mcom.com )
Best Regard
From
Buker Williams

From: Leena Shirlee

To: Buker Williams <williams2@yahoo.com>

Date: October 26th, 2009

Subject: RE: I AND MY SISTER NEED YOUR ASSISTANCE PLEASE


Hello Buker Williams, and well met this is Leena!

I sure am happy to see your email today. I have been having the worst trouble preparing a meal for several hungry veterans, a girl scout, and a “snotty” teenager who only eats red vines and 7 layer burritos from taco bell. I am very curious to hear about your Bullion Van! Is it something that can be rented out? I checked your website, and it said a deposit was needed but after that you only pay for mileage and water, but it didn’t say whether or not I could drive it. I would very much like to drive it. I like to drive vehicles that contain food to places that need food–is that weird?

My second question is, once I have found a Bullion flavor to suit my cooking needs, assuming I only need half a cube or so, can I sell you back the extra bullion? I hate to be wasteful in this day and age.

My third question is….Assuming I would like to start my own Bullion business, do you recommend I create a website/twitter account first and then buy the van? Or do you think I should just paint the van very colorfully and drive it around town waving and smiling? Why don’t people wave and smile  anymore? People are such cowards. I was thinking I could paint the van to look like a giant bullion cube and call my business “Leena’s Travelling Bullion Bar.” What do you think?

Incidentally, my favorite flavor of bullion is ham, what is yours?

Thank you for your advice, and I hope to hear from you soon,
Leena

PS–I hope you don’t have any more demure rages! My mother says demure is just another word for coward but she lived under mind control of the broth wizard for many years. I hope to revitalize her soon.

 

Beef-Bouillon-Cube-002-

October 23, 2009

Beulah Bijoux to Elishiapi: “GET A FEW SACKS OF CORNMEAL AND PRACTICE YOUR JABS ON THOSE.”

Filed under: Beulah Bijoux — ArleneShirlee @ 2:32 am
Tags: , , , , , ,

From: <elishiapi@yahoo.com>
Date: Wed, Oct 21, 2009 at 7:48 PM
Subject: and take off your pinafore
To: beulahbijoux@gmail.com

I hated and feared him with every bone in my body http://yugautoimport.ru/blushes.html


From: beulahbijoux@yahoo.com

To: <elishiapi@yahoo.com>

Date: october 22, 2009

Subject: Re: nd take off your pinafore

HELLO DEARIE, THIS IS BEULAH BIJOUX (BEE BEE) I AM NEW TO THE COMPUTER SO YOU WILL FORGIVE ME IF I MAKE A FEW GOOFS ALONG THE WAY. I WANTED TO WRITE YOU BACK BECAUSE YOUR MESSAGE MADE ME VERY SAD FOR YOU. FIRST OF ALL, AS MY MOTHER USED TO TELL ME WHEN MY DAD WAS BURIED “YOU DON’T LET ANY MAN CAUSE THE FEAR IN YOU” AND HERE YOU SAY YOU FEAR HIM WITH EVERY BONE IN YOUR BODY?  WHY IS THAT? IS HE VERY LARGE OR MUSCULAR? DOES HE HAVE ANY WEAPONS HE SHOWS YOU? DOES HE DO ROUGH WHOOPIE PLAY LIKE CHINSTRAPPING? MY LATE HUSBAND BUSTER TRIED TO CHINSTRAP ME ONCE AND THAT WAS IT–I MADE HIM  SLEEP ON THE COUCH FOR A WEEK WHLE I HAD MY SITZ BATHS AND PRAYED TO THE LORD FOR REVIVAL.

ANYWAY I WANT TO REACH OUT TO YOU TO LET YOU KNOW YOU ARE NOT ALONE, AND THERE IS NOTHING TO FEAR. NOT AS LONG AS YOU HAVE A GOOD SHARP KNIFE SO DO YOU HAVE ONE? I AM NOT SAYING BE VIOLENT BECAUSE THE LORD IS COMPASSIONATE AND WE ARE HIS LAMBS. I AM SAYING, IN CASE OF EMERGENCY, ITS GOOD TO KNOW YOU CAN PROTECT YOURSELF WITH ONE QUICK JAB. GET A FEW SACKS OF CORNMEAL TOO, AND PRACTICE YOUR JABS ON THOSE, AND BE CAREFUL OF BONES THEY WILL GET IN THE WAY.

AFERWARDS, YOU CAN HAVE YOURSELF SOME NICE CORN PONE, WITH A LITTLE MELTED BUTTER ON TOP. MY DOCTOR SAYS NO BUTTER FOR THIS LADY, DUE TO MY ALPERS BUT I HAVE ALWAYS PUT MY THUMB UP MY NOSE FOR THOSE DOCTORS!! LIVE IS SHORT!

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, MY DEAR AND IF YOU NEED ANY TIPS WITH THE KNIFE SKILLS I CAN PULL UP MY MOTHERS POLICE FILES AND WE CAN FIGURE IT OUT.

YOURS SPECIFICALLY,
BEULAH BIJOUX (BEE BEE)

OKAY WH

OKAY WH

Leena Shirlee to Robert Hornsby: “I am glad you are staying faithful to me.”

from: ROBERT HORNSBY <mrhornsby@9.cn>

to: leena shirlee

date: october 22, 2009

Subject: THIS IS FOR YOUR ATTENTION

THIS IS FOR YOUR ATTENTION.

I am Robert Hornsby, Manager of Claims Department with Lloyds Bank here in London, United Kingdom. I wish to notify you that you are clear to claim the total sum of Twelve Million Five Hundred thousand British pounds in the codicil and last testament of a deceased costumer (Name now withheld for security reasons). I am contacting you because you bear the surname identity and therefore I can present you as the beneficiary to the fund.

I therefore reckoned that you can receive these funds as you are qualified by your name identity. All the legal papers that will be used to process the release of the funds to you will be handled by me, in your acceptance to co-operate with me on this deal. Kindly forward to me your letter of acceptance and confirm your name in full, current telephone and fax numbers and a forwarding address to enable me file in necessary documents at the court probate division for the release of this funds to you.

Please contact me via my private email: mrhornsby@9.cn  with the required information.

Yours faithfully,

Robert Hornsby.

From: Leena Shirlee

To: Robert Hornsby

Date: October 22, 2009

Subject: THIS IS FOR YOUR ATTENTION

Hello Robert Hornsby, and well met this is Leena!

I am very sorry to hear about the death of the costumer! So sad! 😦 😦 😦 Which designer was it, Yves St. Lauren, or Liz Claibourne? Or, was it someone I haven ever heard of before? Someone on project runway, perhaps? (hopefully not Ra’Mon!!!)

You know what I’ve always wanted to know about costumers deaths is……who designs the costumers costume for the funeral? Do they have a pre-planned costume, or does costuming the dead costumer fall into the hands of the “next in line to die”–(there’s no way to judge this–presumably it would just go to the oldest and most esteemed costumer still living, or else the one with the longest alcohol addiction.)

Leading me to my next question: do you think most costumers die at their own hands, or from lung cancer? I have read somewhere that being exposed to lace and satan for long periods of time can actually activate the cilia in the lungs and cause them to grow horrible “spores” which in turn, blow through the victims  body like a moldy dandilion in the wind!!! causing death all around!!!   I have a set of satan sheets I love, but I only bring them out when I am sure to get lucky.  They should really research this more. What do you think?

Well, Robert it is good to hear from you–it’s too bad it has to be under such sad circumstances! Wawah.  If you would like me to send some flowers or  (neutral-toned) balloons to the funeral, please give me the address. If you would simply like an e-card with some dogs or kitties on it, I can do that too. If there’s one thing about me, it’s that I’m a compassionate person (I am a cancer after all!) (oops, sorry if they died of cancer, i didn’t mean it that way honest!!)

PS what is your zodiac sign? I would like to do your chart!

My sincere condolences,
Leena

PS I am glad you are staying faithful to me. This world’s too full of dogs and deadbeat daddy dumb legs!!!

Leena Shirlee to Playlotto.com: “My message is deep.”

Filed under: Uncategorized — ArleneShirlee @ 12:16 am
Tags: , , , , ,

On Thu, Oct 22, 2009 at 2:55 PM, noreply@PlayLotto.com <PlayLotto.com@olemiss.edu> wrote:

This Email is to inform you that you have Emerged winner for
“Lotto draw of £792,430.00 GBP,in our Unclaimed Draws
programme” please contact Clearance office for details at
Email: uk-fxx008@live.co.uk

From: Leena Shirlee

To: Playlotto.com

Date: October 22, 2009 4:20 PM

Subject: Re: 2008 Unclaimed Drawing Award!!!!


Hello and well met, this is Leena!

Are you serious that I won the drawing award?!? I entered that contest YEARS ago, and I had nearly forgotten! Which drawing did you like best, the one of the duck, or the family of horses? I have to admit, I worked much harder on the duck drawing–duck bills are actually harder to draw than you think.

If I remember correctly–in addition to the £792,430.00 GBP, I believe I am owed a gallery opening as well. Do I get my choice in galleries, or do you choose for me? I would like my picture to be framed on a pale ocher wall, if that is possible. I can even bring my own paint for the wall. If the gallery doesn’t allow this, then perhaps we can find a cerulean or taupe wall to hang the drawing.

If I am not being too forward, and if it would please your master, I would also like to ask you out on a date. I decided long ago that I would marry the person will fell in love with my art, who understands the message I am trying to send to the world. My message is deep.

Would you like to have dinner at my mothers house this saturday? She makes delicious spaghetti and meatballs, not too garlicky so we can share fluids later! What do you think? otherwise, she makes a very good tuna casserole.Do you like tuna? What is your favorite fish?  If you are vegetarian, we can figure that out–usually we keep a variety of fresh produce on hand, and crackers too.

Here is a self-portrait I did recently, it is called “birdgasm”  As you can see,  I’m very good at drawing winged breasts. I’m so happy I won the contest! I can’t wait to tell mother.

My heart,

birdgasm 2006

birdgasm 2006

Leena

October 20, 2009

Beulah Bijoux to Harrison KARN: “MY CLEANING LADY IS A NEGRO AND SHE ALWAYS LEAVES ME A PEPPERMINT WHEEL ON MY PILLOW WHEN SHE IS DONE.”

Filed under: Beulah Bijoux,Uncategorized — ArleneShirlee @ 5:36 pm
Tags: , , , , , ,

From:HarrisonKARN <Webmail8@w46m2hmoq.homepage.t-online.de>

To: Beulah Bijox <beulahbijoux@yahoo.com>

Date: October 20, 2009

Subject:Re: Notification for the month of October, 2009

FIRST BANK OF NIGERIA PLC.

Truly the first

Corporate Headquarters:

HEAD OFFICE: SAMUEL ASABIA HOUSE,

#35 MARINA, LAGOS.

TEL: +234-80559-11132, FAX: +234-70684-49701

Our Ref: FBNP/X-XI/2009

YOUR OUTSTANDING PAYMENT WITH THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT OF NIGERIA.

Following a Dibt Buy –Back Agreement (DBA) reached between our bank and the Federal Government of Nigeria under the 2008/2009 fiscal year schemes.

Your outstanding payment with the Federal Government of Nigeria will now be paid through our bank (First Bank of Nigeria   PLC.) under the terms of the Dept Buy- Back Agreement (DBA). We are to pay your company immediately while the government will refund our bank through Federal Government Treasury bills in favor of our bank maturing in 2010.

In your file, it was discovered that there were some irregularities because you have not followed the due process  of clearance and payment, that is why you have not receive your fund even after all approval have been given. However, we have been able to sort these irregularities out.

Subsequently, Federal Republic of Nigeria (FGN) order contract number p24k was sued to this bank directing us to remit your fund immediately. Please send immediately your bank information, private telephone and fax number to avoid wrongful transfer of your funds.

You are advised to call me as soon as you receive this message on my direct telephone: +234-80559-11132, or through the email address: firstbank_nig@zoho.com, for further information.

Best regards,

Harrison KARN

Director, Foreign Payment Dept

First Bank of Nigeria PLC


From: Beulah Bijoux <beulahbijoux@yahoo.com>

Date: October 20, 2009

Subject: Re: Notification for the month of October

HELLO THIS IS BEULAH BIJOUX, (BEE BEE)  (WIDOW OF MOLASSES TYCOON BUSTER BIJOUX)  AND I AM RESPONDING TO YOUR INQUIRY ABOUT MY PAST DUE BILL WITH THE BANK OF NIGERIA.I HAVE GIVEN THE STARVING AFRICANS MUCH OF MY HUSBANDS HARD-EARNED MONEY IN MY DAY, I AM FRIENDS WITH SALLY STRUTHERS AND AM FAMILIAR WITH THE DOWN AND OUT WAYS OF THE STARVING AFRICANS. HOWEVER, I HAVE NEVER DONE NO  BUSINESS WITH THE BANK OF NIGERIA–MY TRAMP OF A GRANDDAUGHTER SAYS THIS MIGHT POSSIBLY BE A SCAM BUT IN THIS DAY AND AGE WHO HAS TIME TO TRY TO GET MONEY FROM PEOPLE THROUGH A COMPUTER??? IT IS SILLY. MY HUSBAND WORKED HARD IN THE MOLASSESS FACTORY, COMING HOME STICKY AND BROWN AND THEN THE DOGS WOULD LICK HIM CLEAN AND WE’D HAVE A GOOD CHUCKLE. HE WORKED HIS WAY UP TO CHIEF EXECUTIVE OFFICER AND KEPT VERY ACCURANT BANK RECORDS, AND I CANNOT SEE ANY EVIDENCE OF BANK OF NIGERIA ON HIS BOOKS.YOU KNOW, DESPITE WHAT MY FRIENDS SAY ABOUT THE NEGRO, I HAVE ALWAYS FOUND THEM TO BE TRUSTWORTHY AND WISE. MY CLEANING LADY WEEZIE IS A NEGRO AND SHE HAS ALWAYS DONE A GOOD JOB, NEVER COMPLAINS, AND LEAVES ME PEPPERMINT WHEELS ON MY PILLOW WHEN SHE IS DONE.

THE NIGERIANS HAVE IT ROUGH, SALLY STRUTHERS SAYS THAT THE LITTLE KIDS HAVE SWOLLEN-OUT BELLIES BECAUSE THEY SELL ALL THEIR BEEF CATTLE TO AMERICA AND SO ALL THEY HAVE TO EAT IS SOME GRASS OR SOMETHING. I HAVE GIVEN, AND GIVEN, AND GIVEN, AND I JUST CAN’T GIVE NO MORE.

I CANNOT PROVIDE YOU WITH ANY MORE OF MY LATE-HUSBANDS MONEY BUT IF YOU GIVE ME YOUR ADDRESS I WILL SEND YOU A BOTTLE OF BLACK-STRAP MOLLASSES (IT IS GOOD FOR IRON DEFICIENCY!)

I NEED TO TAKE MY PILLS NOW, MR. HARRISON. I HOPE YOU FIND THE RIGHT PERSON WHO OWES YOU MONEY.
YOURS SPECIFICALLY,
BEULAH BIJOUX

WEEZY LEAVES THESE FOR ME AFTER SHE CLEANS

WEEZY LEAVES THESE FOR ME AFTER SHE CLEANS

October 19, 2009

Leena Shirlee to Jack Williams: “when I hear the whirring of my sewing machine I feel….beautiful???”

Filed under: Leena Shirlee,Uncategorized — ArleneShirlee @ 7:13 pm
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From: Jack Williams jackwilliam123@aol.com

To: Leena Shirlee

Date: October 19th, 2009

Subject: PART TIME JOB OFFER FOR YOU

It Is my pleasure to present to you an online job offer from our reputable company, STOCK FABRICS.

STOCK FABRICS is a textile company that produces clothing materials such as Batiksmaterials, Assorted fabrics and Traditional costume worldwide here in Belgium.

We are glad to advertise a job position in our company. we are currently using this oppportunity in looking for an honest and reliable representative in your country who will assist us as a link between us and our clients over there.

Presently with the amount of Orders we have, we cannot put them on hold for fear of loosing the customers out rightly. Secondly we cannot cash payments from outside the Belgium soon enough, as international Cheques take about 15-20 working days to clear. We lose about 75,000 USD of net income each month because we have money transfer delays. Your task is to coordinate payments from customers and help speed up the payment process.

About 90 percent of our customers prefer to pay through Certified Cheques & Bank Transfers, based on the amount involved. We have decided to open this new job position for solving this problem.

Our payments will be issued out in your name and you can have them cashed at your bank or other Cashing Services. Deduct 10% commission our firm has agreed to allocate to you on every transaction and forward the balance to the company. If you are interested, please send to me the listed information below:

Your full name :
Sex and Age :
Home Address :
Zip Code:
Country:
Occupation:
Telephone number(s) :
Bank Name:

ONLY SERIOUS AND INTERESTED PERSONS SHOULD PLEASE REPLY:

From: Leena Shirlee

To: Jack Williams <jackwilliam123@aol.com>

Date: October 19th, 2009

Subject: RE: PART TIME JOB OFFER

Hello Jack William, and well met! This is Leena.

I am very excited to hear about the job offer for your costume company! I must admit, my job hunt has been going pretty poorly. I have been working administrative jobs since I was out of high-school and unfortunately, since  I am too ugly to sleep my way up in a company,all I have done most of my years is staple documents and answer the phones (they stick me in the way back).

However, my  one love of life is sewing and costumes! I enjoy making unusual costumes. When I hear the whirring of my sewing machine, the world disappears and I become……… beautiful????  I can no longer hear the taunts and jeers of teenagers as I board the city bus (“hey ugly! is that you or did your neck throw up?” and “you are so ugly  you must have escaped from a nucular testing zone” etc etc.) When I sew, I no longer feel the icy stares of the skinny secretary at work or the cold abcess of stares from men I find attractive but cannot look in the eye. But you know what? I have always felt that….someday I will prove them all wrong! I will become known for my unique costumes and then they will all be sorry for making fun of me. They will be begging down my door for one of my creations!

And then your email arrived! I am very excited to go into business with you! I have heard much about Stock Fabrics–I think Armani used to use your company frequently for his chiffon blazers, no?

I do not have alot of official experience to put on a resume, but I can assure you I work very hard and I am determined to make something of myself!!!!  When I was in high-school I made costumes for the entire cast of showboat, and I am including a few pictures of costumes I have sewn so you can see for yourself.

I can start immediately! Just let me know where I should go and if there’s a W4 I need to fill out.

All my best,
Leena Shirlee

one of my creations!

one of my creations!

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